EXCERPTS FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND (====== are skipped lines)

ALICE 2 (nearly in tears) Please don’t make me write it out. It is so long.

MRS TALON (inspiring)

Harness that anger, Alice!

Use it to focus your mind and project your voice.

Now, recite!!!

ALICE 2 (surly, growling monotone)

Tis the Voice of the Sluggard, by Isaac Watts,

Tis the voice of the sluggard,

I heard him complain,

You have waked me too soon,

I must slumber again, . . . . . ummm...

MRS TALON As the ...

ALICE 2 As the door on its hinges, so he on his bed, Turns his . . . his . . . [Alice unconsciously starts swirling her arms and hula-hooping her hips, trying to remember what the Sluggard is turning.]

LORINA [ENTERS] Turns his sides and his shoulders and his heavy head.

[EDITH & LORINA ENTER in a happy mood.]

EDITH A little more sleep,

LORINA And a little more slumber,

EDITH Thus he wastes all his days and his

EDITH & LORINA Hours without number!

MRS TALON [with stern affection and pride] Thank you, Edith and Lorina, but this is Alice’s lesson and she must recite it herself. May I inquire the purpose of this interruption?

LORINA [with a curtsey] Pardon us please, Mrs. Talon, but Professor Charles Dodgson is here with his carriage and offered to take us and Nanny --

EDITH To the Fair at the Rose Garden!! Oh, Alice! There will be a Riddle Maze and costumed bunny show and The Royal Family is expected!

ALICE 2 Oh, please Mrs. Talon, let me finish my lesson tomorrow! I promise --

MRS TALON No. Work is due when it is due.

What if Cook said, “I will feed you tomorrow,” or your Father said, “I will give you a bed to sleep in tomorrow,”?

Have fun at the Fair, Edith and Lorina. Now hurry along, because you know it is rude to ---?

EDITH & LORINA -- make people wait.

LORINA Unless they are suitors.

ALICE 2 But I’m his favorite!

LORINA No, you are not!

EDITH Charlie likes us all equally!

MRS TALON Charlie?

EDITH Professor Dodgson.

MRS TALON Have a nice time with Nanny. Good day!

EDITH & LORINA [EXITING ] Goodbye, Alice.

MRS TALON Begin from “As the door..”

ALICE 2 If I finish before they leave, may I go?

MRS TALON [with a wicked smile] Of course.

ALICE 2 [incredibly fast] As the door on its hinges so he on his bed,

Turns his sides, and his shoulders and his heavy head.

A little more sleep and a little more slumber,

Thus he wastes all his days and his hours without number,

And when he... gets up .... he....

[OFFSTAGE VOICES]

EDITH & LORINA Oh, what beautiful horses!

ALICE

he...he..he... HAS BREAKFAST!

MRS TALON (wth a steely stare)

And when he gets up, he sits folding his hands,...

(SHE looks at ALICE, eyebrows up.)

ALICE 2 Write it out three times?

MRS TALON Four.

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MRS TALON (ENTERING; she does not see Alice) Alice! I’m not going to come looking for you. (EXITS)

~MUSIC #2 “Dream Harp” (0:12)

(One spot on Curtain lifts, creating a rabbit tunnel)

LIGHTS:

(ALICE 2 sits up rubbing bump on head.)

(WHITE RABBIT ENTERS from audience or side, run/hops onto stage.)

RABBIT Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late! The consequences I fear to postulate!

(takes out a pocket watch, looks at it

puts it back and hops over Alice.)

Eeek! The time!

(Ducks into tunnel.)

The time, the time, the time...

ALICE 2 That rabbit spoke in rhyme.....

(shakes her head awake; jumps up)

And put a pocket watch in his waistcoat pocket!

I must catch him!

===========================================
(Continue playing “Dreamy”)

ALICE 1 (screaming in fear) Aaah..... aaah?

(recovering, becoming very dreamy)

Well, either this hole is very deep or I am falling very slowly. This is all very curious....

I can’t see anything below me, and just a tiny spot of light above me.

I wonder whose hole this is? It is very nicely decorated.

(names a few: What a handsome clock! A book about ponies! What a beautiful tea set, etc.)

But how odd to keep them so far from the floor.

(grabs jar) Orange marmalade – my favorite.

(opens it) Oh, it’s empty. (puts lid back on)

I don’t want to drop it on someone....

(puts it in a passing container)

There! Safe and sound!

==================================

(ALICE1 is dazed by her landing. She stands and looks around, straightening her clothes & hair.

–Onstage, black cloth covering the Hallway of Doors is removed, and little table is put on.)

ALICE 1 I’m alive. Hmmph. 32 feet per second squared, indeed. I’d like to shove Mrs Talon down that hole, and show her how precise her precious formulas are.

I wonder how many miles down I am?

Maybe I am somewhere near the center of the earth!

OH! What if I have fallen THROUGH the earth! How funny it will be if I walk out of this tunnel and see people walking with their heads downward! (stands)

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ALICE 2 Oh! A little key. Too small to fit any of these doors. It would fall right through the keyhole.

~SPOTLIGHT on the Little Door Curtain.

TURN OFF OTHER LIGHTS

What can be behind that curtain? (pulls it aside)

A little door just the right size for this little key!

(Opens door:

BLACKOUT except COLORED LIGHT streams through LITTLE DOOR.

(ALICE 2 kneels to peek through.

The moment the light streams a black sleeved & gloved arm sets the Drink Me bottle on table, perhaps from a window flap in scenery.)

Oh! A lovely garden. A fountain, flowers, birds and sunshine. I wish I could go into it!

(tries to squeeze through but only get her head in) Oh, what good is getting my head through; it is of little use without my shoulders.

(sadly she closes the door and sits despondently)

SPOTLIGHT on the Table.

TURN OFF OTHER LIGHTS

(ALICE rises and goes to the table, sets the key on it, and picks up the bottle – it had a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.)

ALICE 2 I am sure this bottle was not here before.

“Drink Me”. No, I'll look first, and see whether it's marked "poison" or not. I have read too many stories about children who got burnt up or eaten by wild beasts because they would not remember simple safety rules, such as “Always look for a warning label that says ‘Poison’”.

Hmmm.. Seems safe. (sips it.) Mmm, it’s very nice. It has a sort of mixed flavor of custard, pineapple, and roast turkey.

(Drinks the rest. Pause. Then unusual feeling.)

What a curious feeling! What is happening to me?

~MUSIC #6 “Harp - SHRINKING”

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BIG ALICE 3 The cookie worked! Goodness I am tall! I can barely see my feet! I’ll have to mail them their shoes from now on. I hope they don’t forget who I am and start going in whatever direction they want.

(calls down to them)

Feet! Walk to the table!

(She does)

The key! And now, the garden!

(ALICE unlocks the little door, kneels to look in)

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RABBIT Eeeek!

(drops gloves & fans & EXITS.)

ALICE 3 I scared him. How humiliating!

(picks up his gloves and fan and fans herself)

He dropped his fan and gloves. And I am much too big to chase after him. I might step on him.

(more sobbing)

============================
was talking.)

How CAN I have put on the Rabbit’s teeny-tiny gloves?

(gasp!) I must be shrinking! But how? I didn’t eat or drink anything! (gasp) The fan!

(Throws the fan and gloves offstage.)

(Stagehand begins pulling fishline of “water” fabric

across forestage, as if a puddle is spreading. Stagehands on Left & Right will soon lift it

as rising water that shields puppeteers.)

ALICE 1 Oh! That was a narrow escape! I could have shrunk away to nothing! Oh! Wonderful! I’m small enough to get into the garden!

(starts happily towards it, then slowly looks up)

Oh! The key is still on the table!

(stomps around in a tantrum)

No no no no! What else can go wrong?!

~MUSIC # 9 “Rowing a Boat”

("Water" rises to Alice’s armpits. Alice "swims".

Continue into next scene.)

==============================

ALICE 1 Aaack! Blurppf! Help! Bleff! It’s salty! Spptthh! I must have fallen in the ocean!

A nice warm ocean. . . .

(she relaxes, floating, sleepy smile)

Well, if it is the ocean I can swim to shore and go home on the railway.

Oh, my! What is that swimming towards me? It looks like a hippopotamus or a walrus.

Funny how both those words end in “us”.

Hippopotamus... Walrus...

(MOUSE ARRIVES paddling about frantically)

Why, hello – You are a mouse! Not a walrus or a hippopotamus. I must be very small indeed!

If there were more of you, you would be mouses and that sounds like it ends in “us”.

MOUSE Eeeeek! Don’t include me in your “end of us” predictions. (swims away)

ALICE My apologies, O Mouse! Please, do you know the way out of this pool?

(ALICE grabs his tail and pulls him

back as he frantically paddles.)

I am very tired of swimming about here, O Mouse!

MOUSE Let go of my tail!

ALICE Forgive me Darling Mousey-kins with the Precious Little Whiskers. (Lets go.)

MOUSE My name is Mouse. Just Mouse! Must you abuse my name as well as my tail???

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4 (tugging on Alice’s skirt) Hello, up there! Have you any warm towels?

ALICE No, I’m sorry I don’t. I’m just as wet as you are.

MOLE I hear dripping. So much dripping! It’s enough. To Drive. A Blind Mole. Mad.

HORSEFLY (irritated) Bzzz bzzz bzzzz . (continue).

DODO Attention, Fellow Victims of Wetness!

As Dodo and President of the Wonderland Underground Neighborhood Association and Serendipity Equalization Society, I hereby call this emergency meeting to order.

(DODO whacks his gavel on

the head of a puppet.)

The floor is open for suggestions.

CREATURES (panicking ad-libbing) The floor is open! Help. I’m falling, etc....

DODO (whacking panicking creatures) Order! Order!

1,2,3 - A slice of pie!

4 - A la mode!

DODO - Silence!

(They calm down because they are knocked silly)

If you have a suggestion to dry us off,

please tell it.

4 Warm towels!!! Warm towels!!!

===================================

(Everyone is yawning and falling asleep, leaning on each other. . . )

DODO Snort! (as if snorting in his sleep)

MOUSE I beg your pardon! ( frowning)

Did you speak?

DODO Not I!

MOLE Is it intermission?

MOUSE I thought you did. I proceed. "Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable—

1 Found WHAT?

MOUSE (crossly) Found IT. Of course you know what "it" means.

2 I know what "it" means well enough. It’s generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?

3 Maybe he found a cricket and stopped to eat it?

MOUSE Silence! You idiot! (to Alice)

How are you getting on now, my dear?

LITTLE ALICE As wet as ever. It doesn't seem to dry me at all.

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ALICE1 I wish I had Dinah here! She'd soon fetch it back!

1, 2, 3 & 4 Her cat!!!!

(CREATURES panic and EXIT. Silence.)

ALICE 1 I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah! Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world!

MOLE (returning blindly, holds out “comfit” to wrong direction) Excuse me? Excuse me? Can you help me? I can’t read the label. Can you tell me if it contains root or insect?

ALICE1 Oh, no! It contains sugar and cherries and chocolate.

MOLE Disgusting! No thanks!

Don’t you have any larvae?

ALICE1 Larvae??? No, I’m sorry.

MOLE (sadly) So I don’t get a prize.

ALICE1 Uh.... Your effort inspired us all.

MOLE (happy) Oh! I inspired them all! (marches off proudly and crashes into wall. EXITS)

==========================

RABBIT Why, Mary Ann, what ARE you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now! Go go go! (EXITS)

ALICE 2 Yes, sir! (She runs into audience)

He took me for his housemaid. Will he be surprised! But I'd better take him his fan and gloves--that is, if I can find his house. If he lives in a house.... (slowing down to a stop)

But I have no idea where I’m going.

(looking around audience)

And these creatures are the strangest I’ve seen yet. They just sit there staring. Staring at what?

(she takes a few steps)

Oh, staring at me.

(She moves side to side watching the audience’s eyes) Their eyes follow me wherever I go. Ewww! Creepy! I’m sure the White Rabbit wouldn’t live in woods like these. (runs back to stage landing)

(EXITS)

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RABBIT (rattles the door some more) The door is stuck! I’ll climb in a window.

ALICE 3 That you won’t! (Her arm pulls in.)

RABBIT Oh, good. This one is open.

(puts his front paws on window sill, starts practice hops)

1, 2, 3

(ALICE’S ARM snatches at him, knocks him into a roll.)

Aaack!

ALICE 3 Now what will he try?

RABBIT Great Scott! I'm too important to be treated like this! Bill Lizard! Bill! Bill! Where are you?

(Kermit the Frog, in his cameo as Bill the Lizard ENTERS. He is a stuffed Kermit, operated by a person in black.)

BILL Here I am, Gov’nor. Just digging for apples.

ALICE 3 Digging for apples?

RABBIT Bill! What is that in the window?

BILL Sure, it’s an arrum (arm), yer honor.

RABBIT An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? It fills the whole window!

BILL Sure it does, yer honor, but it’s an arrum for all that.

RABBIT For all that? It tried to kill me! You are the caretaker – so take care of it!

BILL Dangerous work, Gov’nor. I best be getting some help from the lads across the wall.

RABBIT Just be sure you come back promptly, Bill! I have an appointment to keep, so do not dally!

(taps his foot and looks at his watch.)

ALICE 3 Dally all you like, Bill. Dally all you like.

(ENTER BILL, SPIKE & NOODLE with an A-frame wooden ladder.)

BILL Here they are yer honor! I brung Spike and Noodle and they brung a ladder.

RABBIT A ladder! Good thinking! Lean it against the house and one of you can go down the chimney.

SPIKE Yes, sir. We’ll set it right up.

(SPIKE & NOODLE set it up next to house)

NOODLE There that’s good and straight.

RABBIT Now, one of you go up the ladder and down the chimney and evict this invader. I must get inside to find my gloves and fan – I have not a minute to lose!

(Silence.)

So who IS going up?

(BOYS step back leaving BILL standing in front.)

RABBIT Brave Bill! Up you go!

============================

SON - `You are old,'

said the youth,

SON - `one would hardly suppose

That your eye was as steady as ever;

(toy small stuffed stiff snake (carnival prize)

with open end of clothespin sewn to its head,

fits over bridge of nose.)

Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—

What made you so awfully clever?'

FATHER - ``I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'

ALICE - Said his father;

FATHER - ``don't give yourself airs!

Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'

(FATHER Chases SON- EXIT)

CURTAIN CLOSES - Change Set to Duchess

CATERPILLAR That is not said right.

ALICE 1 Not QUITE right, I'm afraid. Some of the words have got altered.

CATERPILLAR It is wrong from beginning to end. Who do you want to be?

ALICE 1 Well, myself I suppose. Except... except...

CATERPILLAR What?

ALICE I don’t want to be myself later on today, when I have to.... have to.....

CATERPILLAR Face up to what you did on impulse, without considering the consequences.

(ALICE stares amazed and humiliated.)

CATERPILLAR (sudden unexpected roar of effort as CATERPILLAR emerges from caterpillar costume as a butterfly.)

CATERPILLAR (standing in majestic pose) Nothing improves without change, Alice. And the only one you can change is yourself.

(Caterpillar stretches, steps lightly off mushroom and starts to leave.)

CATERPILLAR One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter. If that is what you think you want.

(ALICE, confused, looks all around)

CATERPILLAR Of the mushroom.

A poisonous toadstool looks just the same, but that is a mushroom. (EXITS)

(ALICE 1 is dumbstruck. She blinks then stretches her arms to both sides of mushroom and

breaks off a piece (a hidden hunk of bread) in each hand.)

(ALICE looks at both pieces as she walks up landing.)

ALICE 1 Change. (She bites into one and EXITS)

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DUM - Well, we did have an audience once before..

DEE - But they escaped...

DUM - I told you to use better knots.

DEE - I told you to give the cement time to set!

ALICE - I’ll gladly listen to your poetry, if you will tell me the way out of these woods.

DUM - Which shall it be?

DEE - The longest.

ALICE - Or the shortest!

DUM - I’ll get the headgear!

DEE - I’ll get the drape! [BOTH EXIT different directions]

ALICE - Certainly don’t go to any inconvenience on my account! Oh, bother! Why can’t they just tell me! They must know - -They can’t possibly live here in the -- Eeek!

[Suddenly D&D ENTER from opposite directions, running on a trajectory that will collide with ALICE. She jumps out of the way and they only crash together.]

DUM - Ladies and Gentlemen [CRASH!]

DEE - and Gentlemen of the Jury

ALICE - Jury?

[D&D quickly hang corners of drape up on two tree branches,

set knee-high cardboard ocean waves across DownStage with Oyster puppets hidden behind it,

and put on Sun and Moon heads, DUM = SUN, DEE = MOON.]

DUM - Messers Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

DEE - Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

DUM - Are pleased to present --

DEE - The Walrus and the Carpenter